What's in your car?
Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Haven't been in much of a mood to type. Not necessarily a bad mood, just wanted to do other things.
I'm doing ok, a little concerned about Chuck and I. There is something about the way he acts towards certain things that leaves me with suspicion sometimes. It's so hard to trust someone that has done things and lied behind your back… you know I thought we were doing pretty good there for a while but there are little things that I just wish he would either confess or just become different about the way he acts towards these things.
I'll give you an example. The other day he lost the mailbox key. I was greeted when I got home to an "I'm sorry, I lost the mailbox key". I'm not really that irritated about this since now I know it only costs $15.00 for a new one from the place we rent. BUT at the time I asked the simple questions, "Do you remember when you last had it?" type of deal. He said he thinks he lost it while getting out of his car. So almost immediately I ask politely if I can search his car. You know, he said he already looked through it, but I always figure 4 eyes are better then 2. Sometimes some one will spot something the other doesn't. A great example of this is a game I downloaded called Mystery Case Files. You have to look at the pictures for objects, when we play together we play best because one of us will spot something the other may totally miss. Anyways, back to the story.. So he acts a little defensive when I ask and kind of reluctantly says yes. Then since I don't usually go to the bathroom at work (the bathrooms are nasty) I head for the bathroom to do my business and get changed out of my work clothes. Before you know it Chuck is out the door. I spot him going through his car in the parking lot. When I get down there he moves a side and stands behind me and watches every little move I do as I look through the car. So because of that and the fact he flew down there made me suspicious that he went ahead and hid something.
This actually isn't the first time this has happened in his car. Sometimes on trips things bounce out of hand or what not and when I offer to look for it while he is driving he always tries to stop me and says "I'll look for it later" or "Let me look for it". When I start digging around to look for it anyways he gets very defensive and I can see in his eyes he doesn't like that I'm looking for it.
Here all I'm trying to do is help out, and usually I end up getting denied or chewed out some how.
Chuck I believe went away to his parents this weekend, at least that is what he was saying since he has some vacation time and wants to get away. Well hopefully while he is gone he either realizes that it's not that big of a deal if I want to go look through his car IF I'm not going to find something I shouldn't. I mean hello, we are a couple and treat most of our items as for the both of us. He uses my car all the time and I have no issue with him looking through my things. He says he would never do that, but I don't care. That isn't the issue that he wouldn't look, the issue is that here I'm trying to help out and look and he doesn't want me to. Which is why I do have trust issues with him. He can get very sneaky about things. He also gets frustrated to easily… an example of this is about a week ago he has this friend named Chris who IM's his phone. It's to the point where his phone is about to blow up with IM's so I asked what are they talking about. He seemed very frustrated that I asked such a simple question. He often asks me if something like that happens to me and has even stood behind me while I read and write e-mails to people but I'm not supposed to get involved with his business. He tells me I spy and look at his things which honestly is true because I feel like he is always hiding something and I have to, to find out what is going on with him. Plus with his past and affairs I do feel more secure if I every so often look around and know everything is ok. I know that is unhealthy and is probably the reason why he acts the way he does, but I just wish we had a little more open door policy so to speak and he would be more inclined to share his life with me and not hide or act like he is hiding something. It just really gets old to know he is going to get defensive if I ask him what is going on, what he is talking about or to whom, and if God forbid he lose something in his car I can't help out in finding it because he doesn't want me looking around in it.
I really wish I could just trust again. And have had moments where it seems like I have… but then little weird things happen that make me get back on the fence. I do hope both of us can drop our guards and actually live like we are a couple. We have talked many times about it so in this case I felt like I should write my blog to get some of it off my chest and hope things get better.
I'm doing ok, a little concerned about Chuck and I. There is something about the way he acts towards certain things that leaves me with suspicion sometimes. It's so hard to trust someone that has done things and lied behind your back… you know I thought we were doing pretty good there for a while but there are little things that I just wish he would either confess or just become different about the way he acts towards these things.
I'll give you an example. The other day he lost the mailbox key. I was greeted when I got home to an "I'm sorry, I lost the mailbox key". I'm not really that irritated about this since now I know it only costs $15.00 for a new one from the place we rent. BUT at the time I asked the simple questions, "Do you remember when you last had it?" type of deal. He said he thinks he lost it while getting out of his car. So almost immediately I ask politely if I can search his car. You know, he said he already looked through it, but I always figure 4 eyes are better then 2. Sometimes some one will spot something the other doesn't. A great example of this is a game I downloaded called Mystery Case Files. You have to look at the pictures for objects, when we play together we play best because one of us will spot something the other may totally miss. Anyways, back to the story.. So he acts a little defensive when I ask and kind of reluctantly says yes. Then since I don't usually go to the bathroom at work (the bathrooms are nasty) I head for the bathroom to do my business and get changed out of my work clothes. Before you know it Chuck is out the door. I spot him going through his car in the parking lot. When I get down there he moves a side and stands behind me and watches every little move I do as I look through the car. So because of that and the fact he flew down there made me suspicious that he went ahead and hid something.
This actually isn't the first time this has happened in his car. Sometimes on trips things bounce out of hand or what not and when I offer to look for it while he is driving he always tries to stop me and says "I'll look for it later" or "Let me look for it". When I start digging around to look for it anyways he gets very defensive and I can see in his eyes he doesn't like that I'm looking for it.
Here all I'm trying to do is help out, and usually I end up getting denied or chewed out some how.
Chuck I believe went away to his parents this weekend, at least that is what he was saying since he has some vacation time and wants to get away. Well hopefully while he is gone he either realizes that it's not that big of a deal if I want to go look through his car IF I'm not going to find something I shouldn't. I mean hello, we are a couple and treat most of our items as for the both of us. He uses my car all the time and I have no issue with him looking through my things. He says he would never do that, but I don't care. That isn't the issue that he wouldn't look, the issue is that here I'm trying to help out and look and he doesn't want me to. Which is why I do have trust issues with him. He can get very sneaky about things. He also gets frustrated to easily… an example of this is about a week ago he has this friend named Chris who IM's his phone. It's to the point where his phone is about to blow up with IM's so I asked what are they talking about. He seemed very frustrated that I asked such a simple question. He often asks me if something like that happens to me and has even stood behind me while I read and write e-mails to people but I'm not supposed to get involved with his business. He tells me I spy and look at his things which honestly is true because I feel like he is always hiding something and I have to, to find out what is going on with him. Plus with his past and affairs I do feel more secure if I every so often look around and know everything is ok. I know that is unhealthy and is probably the reason why he acts the way he does, but I just wish we had a little more open door policy so to speak and he would be more inclined to share his life with me and not hide or act like he is hiding something. It just really gets old to know he is going to get defensive if I ask him what is going on, what he is talking about or to whom, and if God forbid he lose something in his car I can't help out in finding it because he doesn't want me looking around in it.
I really wish I could just trust again. And have had moments where it seems like I have… but then little weird things happen that make me get back on the fence. I do hope both of us can drop our guards and actually live like we are a couple. We have talked many times about it so in this case I felt like I should write my blog to get some of it off my chest and hope things get better.
posted by Billy at 5/19/2006 09:43:00 AM
9 Comments:
Go with your gut feeling.
If you think something is up...then something probably is and you should do something about it before you get emtionally hurt!
By
Anonymous, at
6:54 PM
I wish I had an easy answer to offer you. Trust is vital in a relationship, but it has to be built. If you can't trust him, then that's something you both have to work on. While you'll sometimes need to relax, he needs to recognize the importance of acting in ways that will make you feel comfortable.
I hope you can work it all out!
By
Jess, at
11:47 AM
damned if i wouldn't wait til he's asleep and then go rummage through his car. and check up on him this weekend to make sure he's at his mamas house. does he know you have a blog?
By
Anonymous, at
2:22 PM
That's a tough one. I don't have any good advice except to say if he is hiding something and is afraid to tell you that can't be healthy for the relationship.
I know it is hard to keep secrets.
Hope things work out for ya and you guys can get through it.
By
Joel, at
6:36 PM
you'll get there. Trust does not come at the drop of a hat.
By
Dr.Philomena, at
9:57 PM
My ex did similar things and I would also check his car when I drove it. One time I found a letter from his ex and realized they had been corresponding and meeting the entire time we had been together. I never asked him about it, but it ate away at me and I think wass one of the reasons we eventually parted.
Sometimes I wish I had never looked in his car. It really can be opening Pandora's box.
By
dirk.mancuso, at
9:34 AM
Hey Billy,
Good to hear from you again. I'm sorry that things aren't going as smoothly as you'd like with Chuck. I can certainly understand how you feel, and I'm sure I would be suspicious too if I were in your shoes.
You say you've talked about it many times, but I'm wondering if you mean the topic has come up several times because he has gotten short or frustrated with you, or, if you've actually brought up the subject when neither of you is feeling badly toward the other, and just told Chuck how his behavior makes you feel. You might even say to him something like 'I really don't think you're hiding anything, which is why I find it so hard to understand why you don't want me to look in your car'.
Good luck, my friend. I hope things smooth out for you two.
FYI - I've added a link on my blog to your blog. Hope you don't mind.
Mark in DC
By
Mark in DE, at
6:21 PM
That's tough. I'm not hopeful that he'll change, especially if you all have talked about the issue. Best of luck.
By
Bugsy, at
8:40 PM
Sorry to hear about your trust issues. But reading your post has me seeing the other side. For some reason I am a very private person. I don't like it when my partner is in the room reading over my shoulder while I email my family, even though there is nothing to hide. It bothers me when he gets into my truck and starts opening compartements and looking around. Again, nothing to hide, but still makes me nervous. I realize this is not your exact situation, but now I can see when I look nervous or say know, it will feed his curiosity (lack of trust?). I wish you well.
By
Anonymous, at
4:05 PM
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