Friday, August 20, 2004

..and a little more..


To continue on the post I did a little while ago on my
first gay experience, here is some more to that story and how I came out.

Well, after that night with the Navy Seal guy I had lots of happy penis thoughts running through my head. I kept on thinking how good it felt having that cock in my hands, mouth, and ass. And now I was craving it big time.

Luckily I guess I wasn't that bad because Navy Seal did ask me out several times again. If fact, even though he had a wife, he had asked me to come with him to NC where he was going to be stationed in a few months. He was also going to dump his wife. Now before this turns into a Santa Barbara type soap opera I tell him that was really nice of him to offer but I couldn't just pick up and leave. NOW NOW... I know all you people out there are probably thinking "Are you crazy?!, Why not give it a chance?!" Well, I'll tell you why... I wasn't in love with him and he wasn't in love with me. While I had some feelings for him I basically put up a barrier to not become to attached because I knew he had a wife and was leaving to NC soon. He also made it very clear that he "liked" me but wasn't in love with me. It was also stated that I was more of a "fuck buddy" that he wanted to keep around.

Now I'm flattered in a way because he was one hot mother fucker, but I also felt used and abused and decide things are gonna have to end between him and I.

After we split up I become curious to find out what all is out there so I decide to make a trip into the city to a gay book store. HOLY MOTHER OF PORN COCKMAN!!! They have magazines, videos, toys, & horny guys!! What a wet dream it is! I remember looking at the magazines in the back of the store and getting rock hard. I tried to rub it some by putting a hand in my baggy jeans pocket and from that it stood at full attention for everyone around to see. I had several guys eyeing both the magazines they had in their hands and me at the same time. It was kind of a turn on at the time.

I decide I'm in heaven and buy a few hundred dollars worth of porn. After all, when am I gonna get into the city again and how long is it gonna take me to find someone else to be with?

So home I went with tons of magazines and videos in tow. The magazines get stashed in between the mattress and box spring and the videos just get there labels pulled off and put in my VHS movie collection.

Now a few weeks go by and I get my first BF Klyph (another story for another day). Klyph lasts for about a month and a half. Then I go through a slut phase for about another month or so. Then I have my next BF Nick (again, another story I have to write about). Nick and I lasted for about 6 months. Then my next BF was Alex which lasted about 3 months. This is where things get into my out story.

Alex is a long distance relationship (my first). So to make things easier on Alex I would ask him to stay the night over at my mom's and step dad's place. I still lived with them as I was going to college at this time. I remember my mom not really saying or thinking much about him spending the night and him sleeping in my room. I had thought maybe she was thinking Alex was just a good buddy and he would sleep on the floor of my room. At least that was the picture I thought my mom had painted.

But a few weeks go by and I'm away at Alex's or he is over with me and things start to get questioned. I remember my mom asking if Alex wanted to sleep on the sofa downstairs because it would probably be more comfortable for him. I told her "Nah, I'm sure he is just fine where he is at" ;)

Alex is again, another story for another time. While you have a little background on him he has his interesting moments just like all of my other ex's. Now while I'm about to get into what pulled me out of the closet, I know now that my mom had suspicions before him and it actually started with Nick. There was a huge snow storm in the DC area the time I was with Nick and I got stuck at his place. My mom drove my step dad's huge truck out to give my Camero a tow (this was several days later after the storm and they started to clear the roads. This was a storm everyone was talking about for many years). Well when she was out to save my ass from being stranded at Nick's, she told me she thought something was a little off there.

Anyways - since I was at college and worked full time I hardly had anytime to clean my room. My room was emanating FUNK from its pores. So one day while I was out my mom decides to clean my room, and you guessed it - she finds the porn!

When I got home that night I saw my mom sitting down at the kitchen table and as I walked by her she said those dreadful words "We need to talk". I had no clue what was coming since I didn't even know she had cleaned my room or anything.

I get this look on my face of surprise and grab a seat. Immediately with only a slight pause to take a deep breath she says "Honey, I love you no matter what. I need to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me, are you gay?"

I remember in that split second after she asked me I thought "how am I gonna get out of this one!?". Well before I could say anything about how I wasn't (yes I was gonna lie to not hurt her) she added "I found some magazines in your room". I knew at that point, it was over and I had to come out.

So with tears forming in my eyes and thinking how this next word would change the rest of my life and what a disappointment I must be to her I said it.. "Yes".

She started crying a little and said "I need time to think and I'm upset, but remember I always love you. Please let me be".

And I left for my room. Immediately once I got inside my room and closed the door behind me, while I was sad.. a smile came to my face thinking that I no longer had to hide who I was.

After a few minutes of feeling a weight being lifted it suddenly hit me, what about the rest of my family!? How would they react?

Now that mom knew though, Alex was at the time not allowed to sleep in my room when he came over. Sure this may sound harsh, but mom was still very new to it all, and it's not like she would be happy and fine with it the next day. She actually went to therapy because of it. She immediately blamed herself for me being gay because for awhile I didn't have a father figure. There was a time when my parents got a divorce that I spent almost all my free time with my mom trying to help her move on and forget about my dad. This is when mom and I became really close. Us two (along with a foreign exchange student Vanja from school) would take off on trips to different places, including my favorite place in the world (so far) Disney World. So all of this hanging around my mom made her think that she could have turned me gay. Luckily through therapy and me reinforcing that it wasn't her fault at all, she now knows she wasn't a part of that and probably wouldn't even care anymore.

Just to let you know now my mom is extremely cool with it at this point. She loves whomever I love and insists on them calling her "MOM" as well. She's even tried looking for a BF for me now.

I'll get into the rest of my family another time since again, this post is getting long. And I know some of you all don't like long posts. But this begins and is the major part of my "out" story.